I don’t necessarily want to m.a.v.b.l.o.g. about movie directors all the time. But after the Tarantino post I had a request from a great man named Jim, therefore I am writing this one.
Tim Burton. Awesome guy. He’s made some amazing films. He fell off the wagon a bit over the past decade, and he looks a little haggard these days…but hey. He’s TIM BURTON!! And here we have, my inner monologue about some of his films through the years.
1. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985)…..this is great! Pee-Wee. Large Marge!! Yes!!!
2. Beetlejuice (1988)……Alec Baldwin! Michael Keaton! This is amazing!!! You are an amazing man!!! Beetlejuice?? You have an amazing mind. This movie is the greatest!!!
3. Batman (1989)…….A dark, non-Adam West Batman with Jack Nicholson and Michael Keaton!!! Whaaattt!!??? You are the greatest director in the world!!! You…..are……the best!!!
4. Edward Scissorhands (1990)…….Seriously dude. How are you this original? This movie is amazing. You just keep knocking em out of the park!!! Go Tim Burton Go!!!
5. Batman Returns (1992)……..Ok. Not as good as the first Batman. But still good. Still good! Danny Devito was really creepy when he ate those fish all movie long. Kinda strange. But you’re Tim Burton. I’m still with ya!!
6. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)……..WOW!!!! This is one of the most original, most groundbreaking films ever. You didn’t direct it, only produced it…..but this has got Tim Burton written all over it. Wow. Wow. Wow. Can I kiss you??
7. Ed Wood (1994)………Yes. You made a movie about Ed Wood!!! And Bill Murray is in it!!! And Martin Landau!!!! Tim Burton you are the man.
8. Mars Attacks (1996)…….Good God man! Everything you touch becomes gold. What a cast! And Jim Brown!!?? Damn dude….just awesome. Some mixed reviews, but one of my favorites. Go Tim Burton Go!!! You are an idol.
9. Sleepy Hollow (1999)……..Ok. Ok. Not that good, but it was entertaining. And Christopher Walken is always great. Whatever man. It was decent. I’m still a huge fan.
10. Planet of the Apes (2001)……….Um…Well. Uh, that was…..really bad. Really, really, really, really, really bad. I’m in shock. What happened? Are you ok? Is something wrong? I’m just going to pretend this movie didn’t happen. Ok?
11. Big Fish (2003)……..Ok. Two bad ones in a row. I didn’t realize it was possible to be so emotionless in a film. Great actors. Love the casting. But…..ok. Whatever. Do a better job next time.
12. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)………I just don’t understand. You used to be so original. Why would you even touch this project? Didn’t you see ‘Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory’ (1971) with Gene Wilder? GENE WILDER. I realize this isn’t a direct remake, but why bother to make something similar? I mean…..Mr. Burton….What has happened to you!!!!?????
13. Corpse Bride (2005)………Great! Ok. You’re getting back to your old self again. Maybe this will be a re-birth of the amazing Tim Burton.
14. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)…….Ok. Awesome. Interesting to do a musical…..but ok. Alan Rickman. Johnny Depp. Dark. Spooky. Depressed. Yeah man. Keep up the good work.
15. Alice in Wonderland (2010)………Dude..seriously? What’s the deal? This was horrible. More than horrible. Why are you DOING THIS!!!!???? Johnny Depp doesn’t have to be in all your movies. You just crapped on Alice in Wonderland (1951).
16. Dark Shadows (2012)……..I think you should take a vacation. Just stop it!!! Why are you making bad movies now!!!??? WHYYY!!!!!????
17. Frankenweenie (2012)……..Thank you. Thank you. But this doesn’t erase all the bad ones. Please start being consistent again.
And there you have it. I love Tim Burton’s films. I think he’s an amazing director. I own many of his movies…….he’s awesome. But man oh man has he made some whoppers. It boggles the mind. I hope you enjoyed my silly chronology of Tim Burton’s movies. HAVE AN AWESOME DAY.